This was the kick I needed to delete Pinterest. My go to for escapism because I’ve deleted instagram!
When we moved countries I bought a Nokia ‘dumb phone’ that has whattapp to try and limit my use. The first month was great but it became increasingly difficult to have two WhatsApp numbers and not have access to messenger. It’s hard how reliant we have become on these apps for communication, especially as I’m living abroad.
But hearing ‘put down your phone’ from your child is one of the most heartbreaking sentences. So I’m again trying to use my phone more consciously.
I did a 7 day full phone detox on holiday the other week. I had to allow my battery to die to make this happen but still…..! I loved the break, didn’t miss it and slept way better than I had been doing. Just as addicted when I got back🙃 I do love my socials breaks over my period and ovulation. When I remember. Though I haven’t been back on Instagram stories or linked in for a while. Just gone off them a bit z
My husband and I did not purchase mobile phones until we were in our early 30s (early 2000s). He was commuting 2 hours a day to graduate school--so we bought 'burner phones' and prepaid cards when we needed 'time.' When we decided to purchase smart phones we stuck with burners.
We use them to text and mine is set to NO notifications except text (b/c my mom is now a widow). Our nineteen-year-old son has never had a phone--devaluing mobile phones, like devaluing streaming shows or video gaming was sort of modeled (?) unintentionally. To be honest though...I had breast cancer and then, my dad had blood cancer and so, maybe we just didn't have the time and attention to give to social media/scrolling while our son was growing up.
By default, I guess we are blissfully, digitally un-intoxicated.♡
Super interesting! I’m 7 days in to a digital detox of sorts and I’ve realised that I’m going to miss it more than I thought, that once I’ve kicked the checking my phone addiction that I will look forward to intentional interaction again. As a single child free person of a certain age I find social media brilliant in lots of ways.
Let’s see how I feel in a few weeks.
(For anyone interested - I’ve written about it today and it’s not paywalled)
Aww thanks for sharing Niki - do you have the link? Those checking loops are SUPER interesting aren't they - like what are we searching for, what can break the habit... I found having my kindle on holidays I got hyper focussed on reading - hence reading 5 books whilst parenting lol I do think there is something beautiful in FEELING connected. When I was living alone I would go out and talk to literally anyone with my dog... xx
Apology if I digress from the core topic, but while I agree we are wired for connection, I believe that primal need is far more somatic than intellectual. Smartphones are potent devices, but they aren’t in any way a replacement for in-person connections. So, yeah, whether it’s for our own grounding or socializing, we’ll need to come back to the body and sometimes phones can keep us from doing exactly that. Thank you for initiating this discussion. :)
100% agree - the piece I wrote last weeks draws on some of the loneliness I felt when tragedy hit because the majority of my connection outside of my immediate family is on my phone and actually that wasn't what I needed it and none of it was helping - here if you fancy a read - https://creativelyconscious.substack.com/p/what-changed
I love the idea of a flip phone. But the two apps I would find hardest to not have would be Google Maps (I’d have to go back to printing out directions beforehand & meticulously planning buses and trains) and WhatsApp. Obvs can use text messages but it’s hard to send photos & videos that way, and of course I wouldn’t be part of any groups anymore… What do you think about those?
I wonder if there's a way with google maps as my friend was telling me you can download them and then just have a phone for that? I think we'll keep our iphones and just have them on wifi and use to take pictures... hmmm lots to think about Ellie isn't there... I would be LOST without google maps if I had to go to a city...
Oh yes downloading is a good idea… but then if a bus or train is late or cancelled etc I always use my phone to find an alternate route! I’m just so dependent on it it would take a lot of rewiring and pre planning to stop using it
That's it and then so it's more about reprogramming how we use them? EG on holiday I just didn't reach for any of the portals even if I was in an ice cream queue - maybe I need to write more about HOW I did this... hmmm
Our phones take up so much of our time, don’t they? I took my Instagram account off my phone for the month of April and we are now well into May, and I have decided to not put that account back on my phone. I’m quite tired of scrolling through other people’s lives, I want to live and enjoy my own! 🌿💚
I love this so much Claire. One of my biggest fears is that my kids will grow up thinking that what’s in the phone is more important than them. 😢
We do so much to pull one another up on it and are pretty good (also on the deleting apps train Choo choo 🚊) BUT we could always do more and I love the idea of a total detox. I haven’t done it in years. Bring it! ❤️ ✨ 🧘♀️
It's honestly so refreshing - I was wondering whether to hold space for it somehow Anna - like a day a month or a creative retreat somehow... my husband did a retreat called 'wake up in the woods' and the participants didn't use their phones - it was a real reset.
the effects on babies has been documented somewhere, they rely on that eye to eye connection with their parents and yet so many people are staring at their phones instead of their babes! it's the role modelling thing too isn't it, do we want our children to think it's ok to always have a phone in hand?
Yes I went to a conference on neglect and this was the key through like - babies and young children show signs of deep neglect and there's no neglect - just distraction from phones...
I'll be posting about this soon too, I realised there was a demand when I was asked recently to co-host a workshop on digital wellbeing for those of us who work online a lot. I've done two years of trials of digital detoxes and learnt a lot about what they're doing to our brains, and honestly I think it's something we always have to be aware of, even when we think we've cracked the right balance for us, it's so easy to get sucked back in! They're designed to keep us hooked after all...
Thank you so much for including my quote, Claire! This topic is very alive for me these days/years. I keep my phone on airplane mode and don’t use apps, quit FB in 2020 and IG last year, and never got on the rest of it. And yet...I notice I’m quite addicted to being on Substack! There are so many gifts in that, but I’m starting to bring extra awareness to the impact and asking how I can shift things. Love hearing what you’re doing to have a gentler relationship with online time!
That line about wired for connection is so important. The online world has allowed us to connect so many more people, and at the same time all of the social media companies and app companies have exploited this for their own ends. But what about connection to our self? That to me is one of the things that being online too much interferes with, being able to really connect with my own thoughts and feelings, knowing what I really think about something, rather than what I am being told to think about it. Great article, Clare. X
I gave up my brief iPhone love affair and couldn't be happier. They're designed to be addictive and I found myself checking it obsessively for email, news, anything. I have a decent flip phone for domestic use and when I go abroad I rent a phone for GPS, etc.
May 6·edited May 6Liked by Claire Venus (she/her) ✨
I have a Verizon Kyocera Duraforce. Very sturdy. I've dropped it a few times and it's been fine. My time with an iPhone was brief. I'm a writer and editor and I did not enjoy being constantly in touch. Plus I prefer my PC and iPad screens for work and email, Google searches, and language study (Swedish right now)
After reading Sarah's piece and your own today I've deleted Instagram and Threads (my two main time sucks) off my phone. I like your idea of leaving the phone in one place in the house too so I'm going to try that too and see how it feels. I have this habit of keeping it on me so my son at Uni can contact me but in reality I know I'll hear it ring if he does and there's always - shock horror - the landline
I, too, have a love hate relationship with my phone. This last week or so, I've been a bit under the weather and the up-at-night-ness has seen me scrolling waaaay more than usual. I feel like my blood stream is full of floating debris! In so many ways, I would love to do away with it but all my business is online and it's not feasible to get rid of it just now (she tells herself!). I think my husband and I are going to get basic non-smart phones too for the daily when we are just at home and need to be in touch. I find if it's not round me, I don't miss it at all. It's just the "habit" that it creates by having it within a grab-able distance that reinforces circuits I don't want to reinforce! xx
Right. I think it is a case of breaking the pattern as there were a few times where the kids were being frustrating and I thought about reaching for it to answer questions rather than deal with it - it's super interesting. I've tried setting the limits too which works as a reminder of how quickly an hour can disappear as well as reminding me theres a million and one other ways to spend time. Thanks for the solidarity Jane!!
I hear you. In my nervous system work (my other life to Substack!) if we are in collapse or conservation of energy mode, it’s super hard to kick a habit of any sort because the body is in “hoarding mode”- and this translates to a literal “hanging on” to things, even if they are things we aren’t fond it. To break the cycle, you have to tend to your nervous system too… it becomes a chicken and egg situation. I find that if I’m on a low ebb, I’m much more susceptible to the pitfalls of the digital world (especially working on my computer so much and having online groups) compared to other times where I’m like phone? What phone?! It’s all so interesting 🧐 ❤️
I was reading through the other comments thinking I have a good balance of checking in with things, not having notifications on, not scrolling for hours, only using a couple of apps etc then your words literally side swiped me. Who am I kidding ? I’m actually hanging on for dear life as I struggle to cope with what’s actually going on for me at the moment. I’d be interested to know how to tend to the nervous system
This was the kick I needed to delete Pinterest. My go to for escapism because I’ve deleted instagram!
When we moved countries I bought a Nokia ‘dumb phone’ that has whattapp to try and limit my use. The first month was great but it became increasingly difficult to have two WhatsApp numbers and not have access to messenger. It’s hard how reliant we have become on these apps for communication, especially as I’m living abroad.
But hearing ‘put down your phone’ from your child is one of the most heartbreaking sentences. So I’m again trying to use my phone more consciously.
I did a 7 day full phone detox on holiday the other week. I had to allow my battery to die to make this happen but still…..! I loved the break, didn’t miss it and slept way better than I had been doing. Just as addicted when I got back🙃 I do love my socials breaks over my period and ovulation. When I remember. Though I haven’t been back on Instagram stories or linked in for a while. Just gone off them a bit z
Oh I hear you! Yep the sleep is so interesting isn’t it - I think we just get out of the loop and rest from the blue light? ✨
It must be. Though I don’t like to admit it 😆def the way forward for all future hols and wkend breaks for me though x
Oh I know love - join us with the flip phones?!!
I am seriously thinking about it!
My husband and I did not purchase mobile phones until we were in our early 30s (early 2000s). He was commuting 2 hours a day to graduate school--so we bought 'burner phones' and prepaid cards when we needed 'time.' When we decided to purchase smart phones we stuck with burners.
We use them to text and mine is set to NO notifications except text (b/c my mom is now a widow). Our nineteen-year-old son has never had a phone--devaluing mobile phones, like devaluing streaming shows or video gaming was sort of modeled (?) unintentionally. To be honest though...I had breast cancer and then, my dad had blood cancer and so, maybe we just didn't have the time and attention to give to social media/scrolling while our son was growing up.
By default, I guess we are blissfully, digitally un-intoxicated.♡
Thanks for sharing Jessica - this is really beautiful to read. ♥️
Super interesting! I’m 7 days in to a digital detox of sorts and I’ve realised that I’m going to miss it more than I thought, that once I’ve kicked the checking my phone addiction that I will look forward to intentional interaction again. As a single child free person of a certain age I find social media brilliant in lots of ways.
Let’s see how I feel in a few weeks.
(For anyone interested - I’ve written about it today and it’s not paywalled)
Aww thanks for sharing Niki - do you have the link? Those checking loops are SUPER interesting aren't they - like what are we searching for, what can break the habit... I found having my kindle on holidays I got hyper focussed on reading - hence reading 5 books whilst parenting lol I do think there is something beautiful in FEELING connected. When I was living alone I would go out and talk to literally anyone with my dog... xx
Oh yes the link is here. Yes the tap tap tap is quite something - thankfully I still read actual books so avoid getting too obsessed with multiple books :) https://open.substack.com/pub/nikigroom/p/what-if-i-dont-want-any-more-spare?r=a41n9&utm_medium=ios
Apology if I digress from the core topic, but while I agree we are wired for connection, I believe that primal need is far more somatic than intellectual. Smartphones are potent devices, but they aren’t in any way a replacement for in-person connections. So, yeah, whether it’s for our own grounding or socializing, we’ll need to come back to the body and sometimes phones can keep us from doing exactly that. Thank you for initiating this discussion. :)
100% agree - the piece I wrote last weeks draws on some of the loneliness I felt when tragedy hit because the majority of my connection outside of my immediate family is on my phone and actually that wasn't what I needed it and none of it was helping - here if you fancy a read - https://creativelyconscious.substack.com/p/what-changed
I love the idea of a flip phone. But the two apps I would find hardest to not have would be Google Maps (I’d have to go back to printing out directions beforehand & meticulously planning buses and trains) and WhatsApp. Obvs can use text messages but it’s hard to send photos & videos that way, and of course I wouldn’t be part of any groups anymore… What do you think about those?
I wonder if there's a way with google maps as my friend was telling me you can download them and then just have a phone for that? I think we'll keep our iphones and just have them on wifi and use to take pictures... hmmm lots to think about Ellie isn't there... I would be LOST without google maps if I had to go to a city...
Oh yes downloading is a good idea… but then if a bus or train is late or cancelled etc I always use my phone to find an alternate route! I’m just so dependent on it it would take a lot of rewiring and pre planning to stop using it
That's it and then so it's more about reprogramming how we use them? EG on holiday I just didn't reach for any of the portals even if I was in an ice cream queue - maybe I need to write more about HOW I did this... hmmm
Awesome post, Claire! Thank you. xxx
Oh thanks so much - it was a HARD one to write... I kept wondering on the detail and the tone... xx
Our phones take up so much of our time, don’t they? I took my Instagram account off my phone for the month of April and we are now well into May, and I have decided to not put that account back on my phone. I’m quite tired of scrolling through other people’s lives, I want to live and enjoy my own! 🌿💚
I love this so much Claire. One of my biggest fears is that my kids will grow up thinking that what’s in the phone is more important than them. 😢
We do so much to pull one another up on it and are pretty good (also on the deleting apps train Choo choo 🚊) BUT we could always do more and I love the idea of a total detox. I haven’t done it in years. Bring it! ❤️ ✨ 🧘♀️
It's honestly so refreshing - I was wondering whether to hold space for it somehow Anna - like a day a month or a creative retreat somehow... my husband did a retreat called 'wake up in the woods' and the participants didn't use their phones - it was a real reset.
the effects on babies has been documented somewhere, they rely on that eye to eye connection with their parents and yet so many people are staring at their phones instead of their babes! it's the role modelling thing too isn't it, do we want our children to think it's ok to always have a phone in hand?
Yes I went to a conference on neglect and this was the key through like - babies and young children show signs of deep neglect and there's no neglect - just distraction from phones...
I'll be posting about this soon too, I realised there was a demand when I was asked recently to co-host a workshop on digital wellbeing for those of us who work online a lot. I've done two years of trials of digital detoxes and learnt a lot about what they're doing to our brains, and honestly I think it's something we always have to be aware of, even when we think we've cracked the right balance for us, it's so easy to get sucked back in! They're designed to keep us hooked after all...
Thank you so much for including my quote, Claire! This topic is very alive for me these days/years. I keep my phone on airplane mode and don’t use apps, quit FB in 2020 and IG last year, and never got on the rest of it. And yet...I notice I’m quite addicted to being on Substack! There are so many gifts in that, but I’m starting to bring extra awareness to the impact and asking how I can shift things. Love hearing what you’re doing to have a gentler relationship with online time!
That line about wired for connection is so important. The online world has allowed us to connect so many more people, and at the same time all of the social media companies and app companies have exploited this for their own ends. But what about connection to our self? That to me is one of the things that being online too much interferes with, being able to really connect with my own thoughts and feelings, knowing what I really think about something, rather than what I am being told to think about it. Great article, Clare. X
I gave up my brief iPhone love affair and couldn't be happier. They're designed to be addictive and I found myself checking it obsessively for email, news, anything. I have a decent flip phone for domestic use and when I go abroad I rent a phone for GPS, etc.
Music to my ears - which one did you get?
I have a Verizon Kyocera Duraforce. Very sturdy. I've dropped it a few times and it's been fine. My time with an iPhone was brief. I'm a writer and editor and I did not enjoy being constantly in touch. Plus I prefer my PC and iPad screens for work and email, Google searches, and language study (Swedish right now)
This is so timely for me Claire, as you know.
After reading Sarah's piece and your own today I've deleted Instagram and Threads (my two main time sucks) off my phone. I like your idea of leaving the phone in one place in the house too so I'm going to try that too and see how it feels. I have this habit of keeping it on me so my son at Uni can contact me but in reality I know I'll hear it ring if he does and there's always - shock horror - the landline
I, too, have a love hate relationship with my phone. This last week or so, I've been a bit under the weather and the up-at-night-ness has seen me scrolling waaaay more than usual. I feel like my blood stream is full of floating debris! In so many ways, I would love to do away with it but all my business is online and it's not feasible to get rid of it just now (she tells herself!). I think my husband and I are going to get basic non-smart phones too for the daily when we are just at home and need to be in touch. I find if it's not round me, I don't miss it at all. It's just the "habit" that it creates by having it within a grab-able distance that reinforces circuits I don't want to reinforce! xx
Right. I think it is a case of breaking the pattern as there were a few times where the kids were being frustrating and I thought about reaching for it to answer questions rather than deal with it - it's super interesting. I've tried setting the limits too which works as a reminder of how quickly an hour can disappear as well as reminding me theres a million and one other ways to spend time. Thanks for the solidarity Jane!!
I hear you. In my nervous system work (my other life to Substack!) if we are in collapse or conservation of energy mode, it’s super hard to kick a habit of any sort because the body is in “hoarding mode”- and this translates to a literal “hanging on” to things, even if they are things we aren’t fond it. To break the cycle, you have to tend to your nervous system too… it becomes a chicken and egg situation. I find that if I’m on a low ebb, I’m much more susceptible to the pitfalls of the digital world (especially working on my computer so much and having online groups) compared to other times where I’m like phone? What phone?! It’s all so interesting 🧐 ❤️
I was reading through the other comments thinking I have a good balance of checking in with things, not having notifications on, not scrolling for hours, only using a couple of apps etc then your words literally side swiped me. Who am I kidding ? I’m actually hanging on for dear life as I struggle to cope with what’s actually going on for me at the moment. I’d be interested to know how to tend to the nervous system