I'm curious...

Do you know the playlist for the movie of your life?

I stopped writing about wanting to be somewhere else.

About escapism, about finding it intolerably sad and hard that my husband Dave missed Luna’s birth and every moment after was/is spent in either grief or hope. I still write about it in my head a lot running strands together to make sense of it.

It’s my beautiful reality. A life I want to change and yet one I’m deeply grateful for.

My therapist has been asking me to sit with sadness recently, and anger and anything else “negative” that comes up. It’s the work. When I first started seeing her, I couldn’t really afford it. Now I know it’s the deeper work that’s helped stabilise me in the business I love.

I don’t know whether Dave will heal from Long Covid, whether I’ll ever see him do the things he truly loves again. Whether I’ll be the wife I was before it happened, the ones whose smile is whole hearted and who trusts deeply.

I do know we can and should change our environment to try.

I also know what surrendering feels like.

Layers

There’s a theory that states that when we’ve been through hard times that just a nudge towards being braver is enough for our nervous systems to start to trust we are safe in the moment. Safe to trust again.

A system that tries to keep you safe will also keep you playing small.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and imagine myself 10 years from now, still here, still stuck, still sad. As friendships started to fall away and values clashed, I found strength in staying true to myself instead of pilling on more effort to play a game through gritted teeth. I desperately wanted more friends that saw the depth, the heartache and the beauty of it all and could still pull me out of my head and into the vibrancy of the moment. It was a real wake up call.

Creating your beautiful reality

We can evidence stack what’s good in order to shift our reality as we’re living it.

I found this video a particularly helpful explanation of it. It’s really tiring trying to calm a body that wants to run away and escape the hard stuff.

This one on comfort zones and stretch zones is lovely too.

Last summer, my friend asked me what I was listening to at the moment. He’s in the music industry and so my brain scrambled for a measured answer. I couldn’t find one… I said well I love listening to Taylor Swift while I’m cleaning and I listened to the Bridgeton soundtrack a lot when Luna was small.

In that moment, I realised I’ve never not been plugged into music until the last few years at all…

I had no capacity for new music, for thought provoking melody. For being moved to tears on the school drop off. I had no pull to run across the sand until my legs collapsed with dance music in my ear buds. I was scared I wouldn’t get up again.

Everything the same, everything the same.

Awake within a dream

This week, after over a year of listening to building noises in the house next door, I realised my whole system was ABSOLUTELY and totally done. Spent, finished.

I realised how ridiculous it was I’ve been trying to concentrate on video calls, meetings, trying to write my best work whilst listening to a dog bark and a man sand and drill for hours each day. It’s insane - why have I been doing this? How have I been doing this?

Silence is so beautiful. Where do we find it long term?

When I’m ready to turn the music back on what will it sound like? How will one song meet the next? Where will we dance?

Watch this space…

And please send me your long term house rental suggestions by the sea somewhere warmer than we live now where people really appreciate silence, bird song and feel calm enough to stop being busy until they die.

Claire

✨

PS - if you are keen to work with me, I just opened up x10 - 1-2-1 slots. Let me hold the strands of your online presence and business and get you clear on your MOST creative and congruent next steps.

PPS - Do something you are super proud of and write a book/ ebook with us this year? 12 Chapters Club is my free online club to help you do just that.

PPPS - Over in the members chat, folks are sharing aligned creative action that impacts their wellbeing as part of our 365 days of creativity challenge. Come see? There are some beautiful pictures to inspire you.